My Life As An Action Hero

Below are some of my handy hints and life lessons for a life as an action hero.

Day To Day Work Life

• At the start of a case you should always be drunk. You never have to worry because they'll give you coffee and a bottle of aspirin that you'll down like candy. This will solve all drink related issues.
• Retirement is hazardous to your health, if you want to survive, tell no one when you're leaving.
• You'll never have to use a bathroom for urination purposes. If you enter a bathroom it will more than likely be to bandage wounds. While your gaze is averted you will probably be attacked by a baddie.
• If you're not near retirement then no one will work with you, you'll have been suspended or dismissed from the case because you threatened someone important. But this wont stop you working on it.
• You will wear the same outfit throughout the entire investigation, it will change colour frequently to show just how tough your day has been.
• You will never turn on a light to search a room, even if you're standing next to the switch. Luckily you were born with night vision.
• Always keep an eye on the attractive minions. One of them will fall in love with you. This will work in your favour later in the investigation. When it looks like you might finally die at the hands of the baddie you will be saved, as the minion sacrifices themselves so you might thwart their evil plan.
• Even the most vicious dog will live up to the saying "its bark is worse than its bite."
• When searching in an abandoned building the first noise will always be a cat or rodent. The noise after you have discovered the cause of the first, will be the baddie.
• The baddie will always tell you the plan so that you won't be left wondering

Weapons, Fighting And The End

• You'll get shot at least once, probably square in the shoulder. You'll stumble half a step back then just keep walking. No wincing, no screaming, just Terminator like walking.
• There are two types of bomb:
• The Easy Access - The panel will pop off and reveal a clearly wired interface panel that might as well say "pull this to diffuse"
• The Uh Oh - You'll see the display as it ticks past 30 seconds, giving you enough time to rescue the cat/dog/child/damsel in distress and run far enough away that you wont get hit by the shrapnel.
• Police/Law enforcement clips have a self replenishing facility that uses technology based on Mary Poppins' handbag. Enemy clips luckily work in the completely opposite way.
• Any clips you find on the very rare occasion that you run out will be full and will fit your gun.
• At some point you will not have a weapon. It is likely you've had to throw it at someone for dramatic effect. You won't need to pick up any weapons from your fallen enemies. You will be able to kill them with your bare hands and debris.
• If you have been loosing a fight and are nearly unconscious, scramble to a gun, one round will instantly kill them and send them sprawling... NOTE: This will not be true at any other time.
• If you chase someone into the street from an alley way don't concern yourself with looking for traffic, your instincts and ballet dancing lessons as a child will help you pirouette over the bonnet of any car that hits you.
• Snipers will always shoot the guy next to you first, it is possible that they get a perverse pleasure out of the chase.
• If you set off an explosion yourself you wont even flinch when it explodes. It will go off as you walk away and everyone who sees you will see you framed in an unusually red smoke-free fire.
• If you encounter a serial killer, only shoot them once initially. This way they can have one last fleeting chance to kill you before you shoot them square in the head.
• If you have to jump from anything to escape it will be okay. There will be water/a wheelie bin/a tall van/canopy to break your fall.
• If you are jumping from one roof top to another the gap will be too big, but luckily a blast from an explosion will throw you just far enough or the camera angle will change giving you those precious extra inches.
• Backup is over rated, they'll turn up late and in all likelihood get shot straight away.
• When driving through alleyways in a chase, shops will have had deliveries of empty pre-made boxes that you can drive through for dramatic effect.
• The only acceptable way to deal with the death of someone you care for is to hold them in your arms, rocking and then screaming into the air. For the best effect this needs to be done from the floor.

As a last passing handy hint...

Bullets - The Rule Of Thumb Guide

• Low level minions with no name or a low lever rank - 1 bullet for death.
• Minion who interacts with others - 2 bullets for death.
• Body guards- 3 to 4 bullets, even if they're centre mass they'll keep going on the adrenaline that comes from loving their boss so much.
• Second in command- at least 1 clip from an automatic weapon.
• Main enemy - 1 rocket launcher, 1 cannonball, 3 grenades, an act of God or 1 wound from someone they thought would never betray them.