I Will Survive

I love a bit of TV and movie nonsense. Nothing is more nonsensical than things that happen in movies.

I've already done a post called My Life As An Action Hero, but here are some top tips I've picked up about how to survive in the movies...

• The Beauty and the Beast theory. When inanimate objects start moving, so should you... for the door.
• Bedtime. You've locked yourself in the house and checked the house. There's no sign of the killer so you go to your bedroom and decided to sit in the foetal position on your bed until the sun comes up... but did you check under it?
• Be fabulous. Pretty much the only way to ensure survival is by being gay.
• Be on guard. Congratulations! You've made it with five minutes of the film to spare... but it's not over until it cuts to the credits.
• Be-wary. If someone is out of sight of the group for anything longer than 30 seconds [although if you're cautious any amount of time will do] be sure to keep an eye out for any possible signs they were assimilated while they were gone.
• Bigger isn't always better. It doesn't matter how powerful or well equipped you are, you will lose to any scrappy little guy who has a cause.
• Breakable. If you get some terrible or shocking news you have to drop something on the floor that can smash. So if someone comes running in panting and desperate to tell you something, search for an item to pick up before they start.
• Breaking news. "This just in... pay attention to your television set... because it will give you the exact information you need... at the exact time you need it."
• The buddy system. Going it alone is dangerous. Going in a pair has its drawbacks. Staying in groups is probably better.
• Building foundations. If your house is built on the site of a cemetery, satanic church or used to be an asylum, consider moving immediately.
• Caffeine. Don't fall asleep.
• Car maintenance. You're car had a full tank of petrol and has just been MOTd but it breaks down anyway. It's okay though because there was a single pump petrol station about a mile back. Nope. Keep walking in the direction you were going unless you want a short life.
• Cooking up trouble. Sharp knives, while very handy, will be your downfall if you have them out on your worktops.
• Dawn chorus. Until you can see the sun coming up over the hill you're not safe. Dawn is your saviour. Unless you're in a really cheesy horror film, in which case you might expect the killer to jump up and stab you seconds before the credits roll.
• Deja-vu. If this has ever happened to you before run straight away. After all... the body count will be higher and the deaths more elaborate.
• Deja-vu. If this has ever happened to you before run straight away. After all... the body count will be higher and the deaths more elaborate.
• Deserted in the desert. If you come across a town in the middle of nowhere that seems eerily empty, it's probably that way for a reason. Take the hint and leave. If there seem to be a lot of mannequins around town with creepy smiles, leave quicker.
• Do as you're told. You are specifically told not to do something, don't think "what's the worst that could happen?"
• Don't go back to the scene of the crime. If you are a survivor directly related to a horrific event do not go back for any sort of anniversary "celebrations".
• Don't look back. You know they're still behind you so why check? Because if you stop and check they won't be there, and you'll stop... and then they WILL be behind you.
• Don't use your words. Don't engage the strange sounds in conversation. "Hello?" "Who's there?"
• Dress for success. Sensible shoes. Trip and sprain your ankle and you might as well call the killer up and give them your location now.
• Driving to your doom. You can tell early on if you're in for a rocky night. If you drive on dirt trails to your destination, possibly ones that don't appear on the map, you're probably not looking at a bright future.
• The Dury theory. Sex and drugs and rock and roll... all things that will change your odds of survival.
• Falling for it. If you've "successfully" pushed a baddie over the side of something, do not look over to see if they've fallen. These people are sneaky and seemingly have Spiderman like grip, they might be hanging on to something waiting to pull you over too.
• Flying high. What was that noise? Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
• Having a breakdown. Your car is a comedian, don't let it know you're panicking, when you try and start it in a hurry it'll choke a couple of times before starting. If it starts at all.
• Here we go again. If you are the main player then don't think you're going to get out of this one alive.
• And again. Unexpected is the new cliche. Even being a virgin won't help you.
• Hiding in the shadows. Not the band. The shadows usually hide a multitude of things, more often than not creepy people wielding tools, power or manual. If you've just let your guard down now is probably a good time to check for the hidden maniac.
• Hobo ramblings. Listen to your local hobo, especially if they park their trolley near the abandoned/haunted hospital/mansion/church. Those guys were usually the ones who fell apart and suffered the first time round and in all likelihood know how to finish whatever has started.
• Horizontal running. Running to the roof or below ground level is generally a bad idea.
• Keys to the situation. If a door is locked, it's usually that way for a reason. It's also usually safer to leave it that way.
• Kill it with fire. Remember to have a lot of lighters to hand, if you need to burn something down/alive, then you'll need one to throw at each incident.
• Lassie don't come home. If the family pet disappears don't go looking for it. It's either dead already, captured to lure you in or possessed and looking to maul you.
• Let there be light. "We're going to investigate, grab a flash light and come with us." Nope. If the main power is out and you have to investigate with a flash light or candle... don't go. Where are they getting all these flash lights from anyway? No one every checks those batteries...
• Light the way. Vampire hunting is much easier in daylight hours.
• Location, location, location. Stay away from certain places... for example. Amityville, Midsomer, Oxford and many generic small towns in the continental United States.
• Look but don't touch. Alien ships/pods/bodies that seem inactive are items that should just be looked at and feared. Resist the urge to touch them, quite a lot of the time this is all they need to regenerate/activate/make a spawn army.
• Mirror, signal, manoeuvre. When attempting to make a getaway in a car always check the back seat.
• Music to your ears. Hone your skills to listen to the score of the film, they put fantastic clues in regarding your fate. If you hear violins it may be too late for you. Sorry.
• A nerd's revenge. If you have to split up, choose a group of average joes who would not offend anyone. Definitely don't pick the school bully's team, a nerd scorned is something to be feared.
• Never caught short. You'll never need to go to the toilet, unless a plot point demands it.
• Opposites attract. Constantly arguing? Completely exasperated by the other's behaviour? Don't kick them to the curb just yet, you'll end up marrying them or being their BFF.
• Pantomime. It's behind you.
• Parking priorities. An earthquake/tornado/giant monster is coming, abandon your car... but only after you've neatly pulled over to the side of the road so that others can drive through later when it's essential.
• Possession is nine tenths of the law. Billy was possessed but now seems to be okay, isn't that great?! No, Billy in all likelihood is still possessed and could turn on you at any moment.
• Puzzling. It's probably best not to solve that ancient cryptic puzzle box.
• Reading not allowed. You've found a book of spells or an old scroll with strange markings... for god's sake don't read it out loud.
• Room without a view. Attics, basements, any room in an abandoned house/hospital... just say no.
• Shooting backwards. Remember that if you get shot you must throw yourself back a few feet, pirouetting can be incorporated if you're hit in an arm or shoulder.
• Sixth sense. Pets know when something's up. When they start growling or hissing for no apparent reason... panic.
• Sneaky movement. A door knob moves on a door in a building you're alone in. Run away.
• Something's a little off. Beware of people who look out of place. For example a little girl holding a red balloon shouldn't be out late at night.
• Stormy weather. Funerals must always have rain, and often may have someone lurking under a hood in the back half hidden by a tree.
• Suspicious behaviour. Suddenly one of your group starts talking new languages, in odd voices. They levitate before you. Their eyes start to glow. They start sniffing you oddly with joy when you are bleeding. These people should be abandoned.
• The right to bear arms. Anything can be a weapon if you're imaginative enough.
• Things that go bump in the night. You're searching for the cause of a mysterious noise [idiot] and find out it's the cat walking on the worktops. Leave the room immediately by the first visible exit, if you turn around now the killer is probably behind you.
• Ticket to ride. It's probably safer to escape in or on something that was made for one, there's nowhere for the baddie to hide.
• Time stands still. In a chase you will fall, several times if you're a woman. But just remember that speed doesn't matter, you and the killer will end up at the same place within seconds no matter how fast you're going.
• The Under Siege 2 theory. Assumption is the mother of all f*** ups.
• Third time lucky. If you make it into a third dubious situation then good luck, because that killer is going to be superhuman. You'll basically need to cryogenically freeze them, decapitate them or blow them up. And even after all of that you'll probably want to shoot anything that's left of them.
• Use your head. Or rather theirs. Even if you've only got a piece of 2x4 a whack to the head is going to give you that extra time to run away. You might also want to note tips on running away later.
• The vanishing man. If you see a figure that requires a second look... but then it's gone, leave immediately.
• Water to wine. If anything other than water comes out of your taps, you don't need a plumber, you need a removal man.
• What's a girl to wear? Lots of clothes is the answer. If you're a woman, taking off any of your clothes will significantly increase your chances of death.
• Witty repartee. Always have a clever comment tucked away to bring out before or after you kill the bad guy.
• Zombie problems. Never bring anything back from the dead. ANYTHING.

But remember... there are no rules. Well... in a knife fight that is!