I wrote up this piece a long time ago and never felt like publishing it, but with everything that's happening at the moment and it being Mental Health Awareness Week it feels like an appropriate time... I'm not sure there's any real aim to it but... well... *shrug*
I've probably never really acknowledged the way film has impacted my life. I've always loved it, I remember going to the video store to rent films with my parents back when video stores actually had videos. I remember cataloguing my collection on index cards before I really had any idea about how to do that correctly. I also remember the recent sad moment that I found my Blockbuster Video membership card.
The nostalgia doesn't stop there, I remember getting my own TV and DVD player as a present when I passed my GCSEs and I was allowed to pick 3 films. I got Godzilla ('98), Urban Legend and City Of Angels... while I know I've seen City Of Angels I don't actually think I've watched that DVD.
I digress, the point is that film has always been there in my life.
In 2014 I made the biggest decision of my life, I moved from my home town of around 30 years to a brand new city. It was a tough situation made worse by several different factors, the biggest of which was having to live in a tiny flat after the first fell through at the last minute.
Even before moving my mental health wasn't great but like many I had mastered the art of looking happy. That became increasingly difficult when my home was now a long way from anything resembling civilisation and wasn't the sort of place you wanted to be after dark. Eventually, with the help of my wonderful parents, I managed to get a house in a different area, but the 8 months I spent in that flat had taken their toll.
For those first 8 months in Bristol I was basically a recluse. Work, supermarket and my bed, those were my activities. There was no space for people to stay with me, there was barely space for me to live in that flat. (Technically it was a one-bedroom flat, but I find that questionable when it takes less than 10 seconds to walk the entire length of it.) I would either sit on my bed and watch a DVD or sit and do the same in the small living room, but even closer to the TV than I was in the bedroom. When I moved I knew I had to break the cycle of being stuck inside, I had to find a way to get out.
Getting out should be easy right? Because making friends after a certain age is never difficult... in the last few years I have made some wonderful new friends though, but for the most part, and for several different reasons, they are not friends that mean actively socialising on a regular basis.
So while my head was improving bit by bit, the knock-on effect wasn't. I still wasn't sleeping and that exhaustion meant I very rarely did anything, because honestly, I felt like I couldn't.
Then in July 2016 I discovered a cinema that was just around the corner from my house, I'd never even heard of Cineworld before... I know you're shocked considering how much time I've spent in it over the last couple of years. I remember going to see Ghostbusters and spotting their Unlimited Card, when I got home I had a Google to see what it was all about... it was very much an impulse sign-up but one that I sort of knew I had to do.
But the cinema was the perfect place, only five minutes away in the car and I could sit for 2 to 3 hours... or 10... somewhere different where there wasn't pressure from all those daily things that kick you right in the depression and anxiety.
Having loved film for so long and amassing a stupidly large DVD collection (and now blu-rays) I knew it was a fairly safe bet I would be able to enjoy an Unlimited Card. At the start I hardly went that much, I only needed to go twice a month to make my money back so I went to the big releases. Somewhere along the line I started seeing the things that I probably would have watched if I flicked past them on the TV... then I started going to the ones that sounded interesting but I probably would have skipped over unless someone else wanted to watch them... and then it was really only a tiny leap to seeing any film that appeared in the listings.
Despite being sat in the dark for hours at a time the cinema is still a social place to be. Banter with the staff, chatting with other Unlimiteds at previews or when you inevitably bump into them at random screenings, and deliberately scheduling with your cinema bestie so that you can chat through the ads and trailers and then discuss the films between screenings.
65 days
It's been just over 2 months since I last went to the cinema. I miss the banter, I miss being able to see a film without any distractions (well, for the most part, we all have viewing issues).
Somewhere around week 4 I was really struggling, I had been sick for a while and as I got better and wasn't sofa or bed-bound I was getting stir crazy, but I still couldn't go out anywhere... and even if I could there was nowhere to go. My attention span was shot, with deliveries and neighbours and seagulls encroaching on my space I hadn't sat and watched a film properly in weeks. I ended up ordering myself some wireless headphones for my TV and sorting some curtains to block out the light entering the living room when I was watching anything. I basically tried to recreate the cinema experience at home, but it isn't quite the same without being able to tut and shush people.
It seems daft that something as simple as not going to the cinema could have such an effect but it really did change my life over the last few years. You know that you've got those two hours of peace, you might see your favourite member of staff for a chat, and even though you're just exchanging one room for another it still gets you out of the house into an environment you find relaxing.
I can count on one hand the number of times I've been outside the house and had a conversation with someone since lockdown began, that's one of the main problems with living on your own. Those small interactions and distractions have an incredible impact on mood and every time I've managed it it has definitely been a productive day, but even now it would be irresponsible to do that every day just so I have a good day.
I have come back round to being "okay" again... I know I'm not doing okay but knowing that surprisingly makes it a bit easier. If there's anything to take away from my waffle it's probably that you should remember that no matter how small your interaction is with someone it makes a difference to them, you might make their day just with one brief pleasant exchange.
Stay safe and remember, it's okay not to be okay.
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