Shark Movie Appreciation Post

With Sharkfest coming up I thought now would be a great time to address my cinematic kryptonite... shark films.

I wish I could remember when I first fell in love with them, I'm very envious of people who can bring every memory out at will like it happened yesterday... my life is a much more blurry affair.

When I was younger I loved what I can only describe as the cheesier movies, things like Carry Ons, original Godzillas and Abbott and Costello. When we started getting more TV channels (yes kids, when I was young there were just 4 channels and still nothing on to watch) it was an amazing time for films, low budgets, barely any effects. Things have obviously changed now with TV movies, low budgets and dubious CGI effects are parr for the course... cheesy gold!

TV movies are true gems but I'd be hard pressed to tell you if it's shark or disaster films that take the top spot, it's entirely possible it's a draw. Shark films are fantastically stupid though and that is why they're good for my soul.

Photo by Rusty Watson on Unsplash

So what makes them so good?

Mainly they're absolutely ridiculous. But how do you know you have a "quality" shark film on your hands? Here are some key indicators.

The opening. There are two openings that come highly recommended.

• The first is immediate chompy murder of someone, anyone... we don't need to know who they are, we just need to see them going about their everyday life, perhaps swimming in a deserted part of the beach (or even bizarrely in a lake) with people nearby who could see them but don't. There doesn't even need to be dialogue, just some atmospheric music, they feel something brush their leg and then they get snatched underneath the water and we see a calm surface before cutting out.
• The second is where we see a group of people, probably college kids, gathering near water. All the guys will be muscled (even the loner "nerd") and all the women will be wearing inexplicably small bikinis and have perfect tans. In this instance we might not see anything shark related but you already know that the one that's been annoying is going to die so it gives you something to look forward to! (You could also switch this up for a family with two kids, the youngest will probably go off into the water with water wings and a lilo and we'd see a fin go past in the background as they paddle out.)

Peak shark film will have one of the main characters having a past trauma with sharks, you can probably assume they will survive and may well be the hero. Bonus points if they have physical scars from the original trauma that allows them to make an emotional yelled speech. If you were in this movie then the safest role for you would be their love interest but not their current partner, you're probably the nerdy one that's along for the ride... and I'm afraid you'll probably get bitten by a shark or shot by a corrupt cop, but you'll reappear at the last minute and they'll instantly realise what they've been missing and you'll start dating as the ambulance rolls into shot.

No one will truly appreciate the magical properties of sharks. There is a direct correlation between the size of the shark and the depth of water it can attack in... but it's the reverse of what you'd think. In the most epic of shark films (2-Headed Shark Attack is the first one that springs to mind) a large shark will be able to swoop in and snatch you from waist high water. You won't see a fin, or any ripples, and underwater shots will look like they're in deep ocean. *chefs kiss* I even think if the annoying character was paddling at the water's edge it would be able to sneak up next to them and say boo.

There will be a dog and they will survive, even if you thought they died. (Pippin in The Meg, I'm looking at you.) Also, if that dog had an Up dog translator they would have known from about five minutes in that there was a shark and they all would have survived... but no, they ignored them barking at the water. Shame!!

The best shark films have niche techniques of attacking. Water on land (Ghost Shark), sneak attacks from genetic modification (Deep Blue Sea), computers (Bad CGI Sharks), mystic objects (Ouija Shark) and tornados (Sharknado). I'm not sure if these are already in films but I'm thinking potential new films with fire sharks, sharks that cosplay as Jason Statham in The Meg at conventions to eat geeks, and sharks that have been genetically mutated to be placid so that people can swim on their backs without worry... but it's going to be a Jurassic Park scenario and it will be called Shark Park... that's my intellectual property right now if it isn't an existing film already, do feel free to come to me to adapt that one. 😂

There are so many wonderfully ridiculous things that happen in them, if it's a particularly low budget affair then you'll probably see some boobs and casual lesbianism that leads to death... I worry about the people that write these sometimes. I could list so many amusing things to look out for but I think you've got the idea for now and will be able to successfully identify the best that shark films have to offer.

I binge watched some new ones (new to me at least) and I had a realisation... if a shark film isn't ridiculous then I like them less. This was a little upsetting. I enjoy Jaws but I think that its age makes it a little less serious to me, last week I watched Dark Tide and while I enjoyed it I would never watch it again and I'd probably not recommend it to someone... spoilers for the upcoming review! I have similar feelings for 47 Metres Down, but that has its own flaws outside of this issue. 

I'm quite proud that people see shark films mentioned places and tag me about them, it really cracks me up, you guys are amazing! I mean, I don't know how you know I like them! I barely watch them or talk about them! ... Well that isn't fooling anyone.

I don't tend to review a lot of the shark films I watch because a lot of them are dubious, I'm not sure you'd find my regular reviews credible after I pan a shark movie for being terrible and then give it five stars because I laughed the whole way through.... and because of that I'm going to be releasing some shark film reviews with sharkiness ratings instead of stars. Keep an eye out on Twitter for the latest ones to pop up or sign up for new post notifications from my home page.

Do let me know if you think you've seen a truly amazing shark film that I should watch, I'm often surprised at the ones I haven't seen... but come at me with Ghost Shark 2: Urban Jaws or Planet Of The Sharks and I may have to block you.

🦈