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| Photo by Patrick Brinksma on Unsplash |
IT'S SHARK WEEK!
So with that fact, as well as The Meg and Sharknado 6 being on the horizon, it really is a great time to be alive... so that you can watch people get chomped on my our little shark buddies.
Quite honestly I'd watch anything if you put a shark in it... on that note... if any of you are aware of a musical with an actual shark in it please let me know.
I love shark movies, mainly because they're so ridiculous that it makes you side with the sharks. If we learn anything from the plethora of movies out there it's that sharks are comedic geniuses.
I'd also quite like to see a shark movie from the shark's point of view...
"My name is Bruce. You killed my father with a chainsaw! Prepare to die!"
These aren't really reviews of the movies, rather a dissection of their complex teeth laden tales. So if you don't want spoilers (of which there are many) then you can watch them before reading. In order I watched Ghost Shark, Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark, Shark Night, Deep Blue Sea and Deep Blue Sea 2... yeah, 2... who knew?!
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First up on the sharkathon... drum roll please... Ghost Shark!
As with most of the best shark movies, this one was made for TV!
While out on a fishing trip a couple of rednecks kill a great white shark. But unbeknownst to them, it's spirit is brought to life and comes back for revenge. It won't be satisfied there though, it'll keep coming! It might be coming for you...
Once our toothy friend becomes the best damned ghost he can be he goes about getting more revenge, wherever he can. Ghosty is very lucky, in that his talent is realised when he finds that any water source can be his playground!
If you weren't already nervous around water then this would probably do it. I really had to consider how desperate I was for the loo mid movie.
But the open sea isn't the only water source that will leave you nervous after seeing Ghost Shark:
Car washes, specifically the kind manned by scantily clad women. Let's just gloss over the fact that a very young teen seems to know how to drive a car. Let's also gloss over that no one seems to query the fact that a brace wearing adolescent has rolled up in a Ford Mustang. After this car wash massacre I'm sure that little Billy will be having several unpleasant conversations with therapists.
Sinks. Generally I think most people hope they'll find Narnia in the back of a cupboard and not a self-service buffet for Ghosty.
Glasses of water. Maybe the next time you go to take sip you just double check for a fin circling the top, or a Meg style shark gaining on you from the bottom.
Toilets. If you weren't already traumatised by recent media about rats/snakes coming out of toilet bowls then maybe Ghost Shark can drag you over the edge!
This is hilarious, but possibly my second favourite film about sharks coming out of things that they shouldn't. Number one being Avalanche Sharks.
Ghost Shark really does have a bit of everything. A crazy recluse, some partying teens, a slightly incompetent sheriff and a whole host of overacting extras.
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Next up is Mega Shark Vs Mecha Shark. Oh yeeeah, sounds good doesn't it?
Our drama is already partially underway. Megaladon is on the loose, but don't worry, there's a plan brewing.
Not only are we treated to two sharks (one on the metal side), but we also get some squidily things.
Here's where we encounter Mega taking out a lobster laden boat. Surprisingly, no one considers that maybe he just likes surf and turf.
My favourite part of the movie?
"Can you verify two unidentified objects at your flight level?"
"Why yes, tower. That would be two MFing sharks."
(I may have taken some liberties with the script there.)
I'm always surprised at the stars that do these made for TV movies. (Stephen Baldwin seems to have really cornered the market, he's also done the superb Shark In Venice which is unfortunately not in this marathon.) The leads in this being Teal'c and Dr Madison Grey, serial killer in paradise... well, they just don't exactly make a great on screen couple. In fact there are a lot of things that "just don't" in this movie, but we came for the sharks didn't we, so who cares?
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Last up on the initial sharkathon is Shark Night. This is the least "shark movie" of them all, even though it's right there in the title. It's actually more of a teen horror (but not scary) movie.
It's all fun and games until someone crawls out of the water missing a limb. And in this case it leads to someone diving for treasure (a severed arm) and they're somehow successful... don't over think it.
This ticks all the boxes on teen horror... the jock, the nerd, the pretty boy, the girl with a hidden past, the creepy yokels, and a dog.
While I'm entertained by this film for it's terrible horror-esque it's not the right one to be rounding off my evening's trilogy. Especially as the sharks don't really get to exercise their acting skills. But it does have the best doggo. Good at fetch, and search and rescue. Would give lots of belly rubs and a medal of valour.
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I was looking for some other films when I came across Deep Blue Sea 2... 2? 2?! Well, you know what's coming next!
Deep Blue Sea - Let the journey begin.
We've got a classic opening. Teens partying on a boat. Because that never led to anything bad, right?
Just to be clear, this shark is also misunderstood. He just enjoys a nice bottle of red wine and he's come to give them pairing tips.
I completely forgot how many great actors were in this. The Punisher being a shark wrangler. Erik Selvig losing an arm. Diana Skouris getting a little frantic. Gary losing his mind a little. And Sam Hanna doing a bit of baking.
To make the situation tense there obviously needs to be a big explosions that somehow takes out all their critical systems leaving them unable to contact anyone for help. Check!
Yet again we see the shark being very considerate, letting Jackson finish his speech (sort of) before saving him for having to suffer through the rest of the agonising destruction.
Obviously, when sharks learn how to swim backwards I will be moving inland.
The most perplexing question I feel like we're faced with in this whole movie is why does she strip off her wetsuit to stand on to electrocute the shark when she's wearing rubber shoes? I'm not going to pretend I know the logistics of electrocuting a whole roomful of water, but it seemed a little gratuitous.
LL really brings them together with a little preacher vibe at the end, and I like to think that he's shouting "the power of Christ compels you!" every time he stabs that shark with his cross.
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And so we reach out finale... Deep Blue Sea 2... I'm not massively hopeful.
This one kicks off with an alternative boat sequence. No teens this time, just some guys killing sharks for their fins and getting selfies. What is completely rude about the situation is that they've interrupted a shark synchronised swimming practice.
Again, these sharks are being treated rather cruelly, being judged for their interior design choices. I personally like the tunnel they added to their enclosure.
Whenever I see an overly affectionate couple in main character slots in this type of movie I always hope for one thing... that one of them gets used as bait so that the other one tries to rescue them and they both get eaten/ripped to bits/murdered. It's the small pleasures in these stories that you have to hope for.
It's like no one has ever seen the first movie... bringing a super smart shark into the wet lab never turns out well. I suspect that Bella isn't going to disappoint.
Straight out of script number one there's a massive explosion, although I'm not 100% sure how a slow moving boat causes so much trouble. But now we've got fuel pouring out of a Mary Poppins crafted barrel and the soon to be answered question... "What happens when the fuel gets to the electric fence?"
The movie does take some of the joy out of a shark film when the guy notices that Bella is awake before she gets the chance to rip his arm off. Poor film etiquette. But I suspect it's to vaguely hide the fact that they ripped off most of the plot from the first one.
I will give them extra points for the baby sharks, they're so cute! I can't wait to see them mutilate someone.
After several things that give me flashbacks from DBS all of our surviving moving feast splits up and spreads out across the complex. Not-Samuel-L-Jackson has been dosing shark juice the whole way through so that's going to be him manic for a while. Our happy couple have been separated and Hubby has a narrow escape from our little critters where he discovers they can't jump very well. His wife doesn't get off quite so lightly, love is heartlessly torn apart... just like her face. And poor Josh doesn't get the fish pedicure that he was hoping for.
Keep an eye out for the bubbly water of death. Those little buggers are adorable.
Eventually those that remain are getting top side... or bits of them are in one case. But nothing is quite what it seems as Misty manages to out swim a shark... I smell something... fishy... sorry!
Again, the sharks are misunderstood. Taking down the drone is just a bid for privacy in this ever watching world.
The film ends with two very traditional things. Firstly, the nerd survives. Secondly, if we learnt anything from Godzilla it's that when you blow stuff up, things still survive...
and boom... end of movie scene.
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In conclusion, with the sharks being painted as the bad guys in most movies, I would just like to say that everyone loves a good baddie. I still believe that they really just care about us.
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